3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
