Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
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Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
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I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize