I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
