I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
