its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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