I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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