..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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