I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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