But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
