I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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