i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
