Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
