Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
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Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
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You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Dear god my vagina.
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