...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
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