I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
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You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
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So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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