i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
why does every cop we meet know your name?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
