Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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