i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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