i need an iv and a liver transplant
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
