Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
