She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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