If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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