I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
