She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Randomize
