hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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