i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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