I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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