Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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