The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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