Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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