I hate your face
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
