Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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