One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I won't apologize to a one balled man
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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