I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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