Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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