You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
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I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
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He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
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