He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
You had me at "let me see your balls"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
