yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
