i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
