What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
