Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
