Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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