From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
