I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
this boner is exhausting
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
