He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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