I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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