I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
