did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
