you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
