i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
accomplished twins. life is a go
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
