This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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