At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
