her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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