The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
