It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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