; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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