i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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