the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
