saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
