So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
