So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
